1.
SMART-ASS
2.
FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?
3.
THE MARRIAGE FAIRY
4.
BATTLE FOR CUSTODY
5.
ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
6.
Four Kinds of Sex
7.
What Am I doing?
8.
CONFIDENCE
9.
AFFAIR WITH DENTIST
10.
VENGEANCE
11.
MAN OF YOUR DREAMS
12.
Q&A
13.
25th Anniversary
14.
Like A Woman
15.
The Newly Weds
16.
Women
17.
Bush
18.
The Virgin
19.
Skiing
1.
SMART-ASS
A high
school English teacher
reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being
there tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or
a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your
immediate family - but
that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back
of the room raises his hand
and asks, "What would you
say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its
best to stifle their
laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "Well, I
guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other
hand."
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2.
FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?
Three men died and stood in
front of God. God
asked the first if he had
been faithful to his wife.
He admitted to two affairs
during his marriage. God
gave him a compact car to
drive in heaven. The second
man admitted to only one
affair and was given a
midsize car. The third man
was asked the same question
and said that he had been
faithful to his wife until
the day he died. God praised
him and gave him a big
luxury car.
A week later the three guys
met in a parking lot. The
man driving the luxury car
began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and
she was riding a bike!"
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3. THE
MARRIAGE FAIRY
A couple had been married
for 25 years and was
celebrating the husband's
60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy
appeared and said that
because they had been such a
loving couple all those
years, she would give them
one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been
so poor all these years, and
I've never gotten to see the
world. I wish we could
travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and
POOF! She had the tickets in
her hand.
Next, it was the husband's
turn. He paused for a
moment, and then said,
"Well, I'd like to be
married to a woman 30 years
younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and
POOF! He was 90.
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4.
BATTLE FOR CUSTODY
The scene was a tiny
mountain village in a remote
section of West Virginia. An
old mountaineer and his
young wife were getting a
divorce in the local court.
But custody of the children
was a problem.
The mother jumped to her
feet and protested to the
judge that, since she had
brought the children into
this world, she should
retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also
wanted custody of the
children. The judge asked
for his side of the story
and, after a long moment of
silence, the mountaineer
slowly rose from his chair
and said, "Judge, when I put
a quarter in a candy machine
and a candy bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the
machine?"
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5.
ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
This woman's husband had
been slipping in and out of
a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he
motioned for her to come
nearer.
As she sat by him, he
whispered, eyes full of
tears, "You know what? You
have been with me through
all the bad times. When I
got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When
I got shot, you were by my
side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right
here. When my health started
failing, you were still by
my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently
asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad
luck....."
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6.
Four Kinds of Sex
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX - When you are
newly married and have sex
all over the house in every
room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have
been married for a while,
you only have sex in the
bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been
married for many, many years
you just pass each other in
the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your
wife and her lawyer screw
you in the divorce court in
front of everyone there.
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7.
What Am I doing?
This beautiful woman one day
walks into a doctors office
and the doctor is bowled
over by how stunningly
awesome she is. All his
professionalism goes right
out the window...
He tells her to take off her
jeans, she does, and he
starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am
doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for
abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her
shirt and bra, she takes
them off. The doctor begins
rubbing her breasts and
asks, "Do you know what I am
doing now?” she replies,
"Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to
take off her panties, lays
her on the table, gets on
top of her and starts having
sex with her. He says to
her, "Do you know what I am
doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting
herpes - that’s why I am
here!"
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8.
CONFIDENCE
A rather confident man walks
into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick
glance, then casually looks
at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and
asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just
bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I was just testing
it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A
state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to
telepathically talk to me,'
he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and
replies, 'Well it must be
broken then because I am
wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn
thing must be an hour fast.'
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9. AFFAIR WITH DENTIST
Laura fell for her handsome
new dentist like a ton of
bricks and pretty soon had
lured him into a series of
passionate rendezvous in the
dental clinic after hours.
But one day the dentist said
sadly, "Laura, honey, we
have to stop seeing each
other. Your husband's bound
to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb
as a post," she assured him.
"Besides, we've been meeting
here for six months now and
he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist,
"but you're down to one
tooth!"
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10.
VENGEANCE
Two high school sweethearts
who went out together for
four years in high school
were both virgins; they
enjoyed losing their
virginity with each other in
10th grade. When they
graduated, they wanted to
both go to the same college
but the girl was accepted to
a college on the east coast,
and the guy went to the west
coast. They agreed to be
faithful to each other and
spend anytime they could
together.
As time went on, the guy
would call the girl and she
would never be home, and
when he wrote, she would
take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he
emailed her, she took days
to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to
him she wanted to date
around. He didn't take this
very well and increased his
calls, letters, and emails
trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed,
and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off
her back.
So, what she did is this:
she took a Polaroid picture
of her having sex with her
new boyfriend's and sent it
to her old boyfriend with a
note reading, "I found a new
boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this
guy was heartbroken but,
even more so, was pissed.
So, what he did next was
awesome.
He wrote on the back of the
photo the following, "Dear
Mom and Dad, having a great
time at college, please send
more money!" and mailed the
picture to her parents.
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11.
MAN OF YOUR DREAMS
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN
TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE
WITH THE FOLLOWING
QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her
phone rang off the hook, her
doorbell was ringing
constantly, she received
tons of mail...all to no
avail. None of the men
seemed to meet her
qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell
rang yet again. She opened
the door to find a man, with
no arms and no legs, lying
on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who
are you and what do you
want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your
search is over, for I am the
man of your dreams. I've got
no arms, so I can't beat you
up and I've got no legs, so
I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What
makes you think you're so
great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang
the doorbell, didn't I?"
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12.
Q&A
Question: What
did the banana say to the
vibrator?
Answer: Why are you
shaking? She's going to eat
me.
Q.
What's the difference
between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last
forever.
Q.
A man noticed that his
credit card had been stolen
but didn't report it.
A.
The thief was spending less
then his wife.
Q.
Why haven't they sent a
woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need
cleaning.
Q.
Why is a pap smear called a
pap smear?
A. Because women
wouldn't do them if they
were called cunt scrapes.
Q.
What's the difference
between a 40 year-old man,
and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old
woman dreams of having
children, a 40 year-old man
dreams of dating them.
Q.
Three words to ruin a man's
ego...
A. "Is it in?"
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13.
25th Anniversary
A man and his wife go to
their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on that
magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the
husband, "When you first saw
my naked body in front of
you, what was going through
your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck
your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed,
she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if
I did a pretty good job."
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14.
Like A Woman
As an airplane is about to
crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and
announces, "If I'm going to
die, I want to die feeling
like a woman."
She removes all her clothing
and asks, "Is there someone
on this plane who is man
enough to make me feel like
a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his
shirt and says, "Here, iron
this!".
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15.
The Newly Weds
The newlyweds are in their
honeymoon room and the groom
decides to let the bride
know where she stands right
from the start of the
marriage.
He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them at
her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't
wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't
forget that! I will always
wear the pants in this
family!"
The bride takes off her
panties and throws them at
him with the same request,
"Try those on!"
He replies, “I can't get
into your panties!"
Then she said, "And you
never bloody will if you
don't change your attitude."
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16.
Women
How are women and tornadoes
alike?
They both moan like hell
when they come, and take the
house when they leave.
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17.
Bush
A man and a woman started to
have sex in the middle of a
dark forest, with the man
giving the woman oral sex.
After about 15 minutes of
it, the man finally gets up
and says, "Damn, I wish I
had a flashlight!". The
woman says, "Me too, you've
been eating grass for the
past ten minutes!"
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18.
The Virgin
A couple just got married
and on the night of their
honeymoon before passionate
love, the wife tells the
husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a virgin." The
husband being shocked,
replied, "How's this
possible? You've been
married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my
first husband was a
gynaecologist and all he
wanted to do was look at it.
My second husband was a
psychiatrist and all he
wanted to do was talk about
it. Finally, my third
husband was a stamp
collector and all he wanted
to do was...oh, do I miss
him!"
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19.
Skiing
Three guys go to a ski
lodge, and there aren't
enough rooms, so they have
to share a bed. In the
middle of the night, the guy
on the right wakes up and
says, "I had this wild,
vivid dream of getting a
hand job!" The guy on the
left wakes up, and
unbelievably, he's had the
same dream, too. Then the
guy in the middle wakes up
and says, "That's funny, I
dreamed I was skiing!"
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